Those Balaji Days

It is one of those unfathomable mysteries of the universe under which I put the event of my joining Balaji Telefilms. It was my first full time job. I had joined as an Assistant Director which is a glamorous designation bestowed on people who are slightly better than manual laborers. They do this so we can feel good and work harder. Anyways back to the point. No, I was not assisting on any of the saas bahu sagas. I was part of this rather creatively named department called ‘non fiction’ department. This puzzled me. Balaji and non-fiction seemed like antonyms.

The show assigned to me was called Kosmiic Chat. It involved Suneeta Menon. Ekta Kapoor’s personal astrologer talking about astrology and then predicting the future of the guests on the show. It was to be hosted by Simone Singh.

My immediate senior, Rupali, was a curly haired, trim figured, impeccably attired, pixie like woman with a super sarcastic sense of humour. Then there was Anupama, typical Bong – long hair, big eyes, voice dripping with sweetness. She was one of those jhola types, always stressed and hurried like she was making life and death related decisions every two hours.

Ok now lets get down to work… which there was a LOT of! However employee comfort was top priority. We were provided with beds by the management (no, I’m not stoned). We really were. If ever an employee complained of over work, we were told, ‘but we even provide you with beds!’

Her Royal Highness:

Now Ekta is a curious character. Being no mere mortal, as has been proved time and again, Ekta works only at night. The rest of the human race which works during the day has to then stay awake at nights as well till whatever time she deems fit to grant them an audience with her.

I remember my first middle of the night meeting with Ekta:
Rupali and I enter her cabin. Ekta, seated at a huge dining table filled with all kinds of food, is busy devouring a tandoori chicken. She starts discussing the show, the elements she wants etc while the two of us nod. After we nod for the nth time, we are interrupted by an attractive redhead.
Ekta (letting go of the tandoori chicken): hey! You are looking gorgeous!
Redhead (twirling around): isn’t it a lovely color! I got it billed to your account!
Ekta: I’m glad I’m glad! (Turning towards us) doesn’t she look absolutely gorgeous?!
Rupali and I keep up the tradition of nodding like two dements.
(Oh btw, before the meet, one of my colleagues told me, oh you have a meeting with Ekta? Good, she’ll like you…she likes petite chicks. (!!!!)

Birthdays at Balaji:

It was rumored that Ekta was lesbian. Or bisexual. Which is why all the straight chicks were terrified of birthdays. Let me explain. That day, it was someone’s birthday on our floor. So Ekta ordered a cake and then personally smeared it on everyone’s face, hair, hands, anything that was not covered with cloth. My colleague and me decided to hide – she under the table, me behind the door. But while she managed to escape the ordeal, they discovered me. Psychos, all!

The Hot Director:

Oh I haven’t mentioned our director yet. Her name is Monisha and she only wears black micro minis, white shirts and no bra. She is hot as hell and very dumb. Also, lazy, which means she is never in office. Which also means great news for me. I can go for shoots with the cameraman which they would otherwise not have trusted a trainee with. I shoot all over Bombay with my cameraman who is fantastic; we end up with some really good packages.

The First shoot:

There is a puja before the shoot of course presided by Shobha and Jitendra, Ekta’s parents.
We had begged our friends, distant relatives and random good looking people on the street to come and get free readings, post which we got 4 guests whose pasts and futures Suneeta would reveal. I was also a little curious about this whole astrology thing… I wanted to know if its really valid. Here’s what happened: we spoke to the 4 guests, asked them questions pertaining to their life and then gave the research material to Suneeta. So our research would read: Gauri met with an accident when she was 12. In the show, Suneeta would stare at Gauri’s palm and go: hmm… at the age of 12… I see some disturbance… an accident maybe… did you meet with any kind of accident at that age? (!!!!!!!) Such a farce!! Anyways, we kept our ideals to ourselves and proceeded.

I didn’t like our DOP. Since the Director was busy trying not to trip over the wires on the floor in her micro minis, he had full control over the show. He was very patronizing towards me, smiling tolerantly every time I made a mistake and dropping me home if it got too late! I felt like slapping him all the time. And his name was TV of all the things! Like really!

Ekta sees the 1st episode:

Ok so we finished shooting the 1st episode and we started editing it. Once done, Ekta decided to pay us a little visit. There were 3 of us in the edit room – the editor, the Chief AD and me. As soon as she entered my editor (the senior most of the lot at Balaji) sprang up from his seat and started shaking nervously (I am not exaggerating). She saw the episode post which the fun began.
Ekta: what’s this?? I cannot show this to the channel! I have a reputation to maintain! Where are the tears? Where are the emotions? Where is the drama? How will I show my face to the channel! We need to reshoot!

I was a little confused now… I thought maybe she has forgotten this is a ‘non-fiction’ show. But I was wrong.

She continued: this is how I want it (she is enacting all this btw) a girl is sitting on the couch. Suneeta holds her hand and says, “I know what you have gone through Puja”. Puja’s eyes moisten and she looks down. Suneeta gently says, “Would you want to talk about it?” Puja breaks down and starts narrating her story… (while this nautanki was going on, my Chief AD was scribbling furiously on his notepad. I wondered what he was taking down. I mean how can anyone write instead of enjoying this performance!?)

She looked at me and went: did you get it?
I nodded and said, but where will we get people with dramatic stories all the time? And most people wont cry on camera…
Ekta I don’t care! Get actors! Give them stories! They’ll cry! I want tears!

This was full paisa vasool. Balaji was not meant to do non-fiction. Though I don’t know if Ekta realized it, but what she was talking about was reality television – a dramatized, fictionalized non-fiction, which is now rocking the TRPs on Indian Television.

The non fiction department quit soon after but it was fun while it lasted.